list time

it turns out i can't be trusted to update this blog regularly, as expected. here's a top ten of things i've learned, although, it's really only in the order of what i think up first as i don't believe in hierarchy. onward-

10. all cacti have spikes. all of them: even if they look smooth and fun to touch. they aren't, and most likely they'll cover your fingers with thousands of painful microscopic needles that are virtually impossible to remove
9. no rain equals disgustingly dirty streets and the bottoms of your feet get BLACK even when you're not wearing flip-flops. it's a mystery. the solution is to either wash your feet obsessively or just stop caring. i opt for the latter.
8. conversely, when it DOES rain, it rains enough to a) prevent safe travel in a car b) cause the roads to be cracked and destroyed making it c) easier for your skinny bike tires to get caught in cracks in the road and thus propel you off of your bike multiple times. even though there are essentially no hills here, a mountain bike is ideal if not for anything but preventing the awkward interaction of the oh-my-gosh-are-you-ok?'s of strangers.
7. one shot in tucson is equal to 3 shots in maryland. i don't get it, but i'm not complaining.
6. similarly, there's also a strange phenomena associated with drinking beer in the desert. tucson is infamous for its crazy alcoholic townies, and part of this, i think, has to do with the fact that when drinking beer in the heat a) the beer gets warm REALLY fast i.e. you have to drink faster and b) once you've chugged said beer in 2-3 minutes to prevent it from getting warm and gross, you realize, wow, it's really hot, and ANOTHER nice cold beer would be perfect for battling the 90 degree heat
5. don't go to the circle k on speedway and park alone unless you want to either be harassed by the weirdos that work behind the counter there or harassed by the weirdos that congregate in the parking lot OR the weirdos that shop there
4. first floor really means second floor. i don't understand it either.
3. tucson for some reason attracts numerous amounts of homeless people that like to talk to themselves, or yell to themselves, at you. these homeless crazies not only can be found at the likely locations (bus shelters, downtown, near dumpsters, etc.) but, even better, on campus or on university ave. on a sunday. at 11am.
2. undergrad girls here are from an entirely different planet where everyone has fake tans (in the desert, wtf?) bleached hair, is absolutely gorgeous, and wears pretty much next to nothing. there's also an "arizona douchebag" look for guys identified by some random stupid skate/surf/bmx/whatever t shirt/apparel, spiky hair, and some sort of pseudo-alternative element of facial piercings or skate shoes. do not be fooled.
1. AC is still on and still required in december despite the lies locals tell about the heat "breaking" in september. again, do not be fooled.

the life you save might be your own

turns out it's not enough to cut all your hair off or learn your own secret poetry word. or use the you so much. i've been doing things like riding my bike in the desert, in the middle of the night, jumping on the bed singing carly simon or staying up until the sun comes up, until it gets too hot to sleep. it's almost unbearable. alright, these things really are just standing in for a feeling here, i admit it. maureen symbols for: i'm happy or i'm delirious or it could always be worse. i keep telling myself these are the ways to save yourself: over and over again, usually in the middle of the night or when i get drunk enough to talk to myself, seriously, to talk to myself. it makes sense to me now why las vegas could be the mecca for so many vices and all the vices in tucson are making my writing incomprehensible, or maybe it's the other way around. consider this the point of a creative degree. consider this a freewrite. it's the same as you think that you'll never meet people that make you laugh til your guts want to fall out and then you do and then you think, well gee, next place i go i REALLY won't meet people like that and then you do and you do and you do forever, always moving and by moving always doing. and then i wonder why i feel like everything i write all the time sounds so unhinged and so self-destructive when i feel so calm, and normal, and decent, when i get good grades and get into good schools and get money, but all that might not even matter anyway, in the end. maybe the key to being perfectly unhinged is to be unaware of that fact. that could also be the point of a creative degree.

straw house straw dog

I had four dreams in a row where you were burned, about to burn, or still on fire.

proof

maureen 360

pretty sure the paper likeness of jack kerouac is the only man willing to follow me anywhere. at least he has been for five years. i'm still not done, but at least i accomplished something. up next: living room and kitchen!

break the chain

this is night 2 in my new apartment, and its strange to be in such a quiet living space, without people stomping around/playing video games/yelling at each other/breaking things etc. i've barely unpacked anything because this whole 3 hour time difference thing is still messing with my brain and my body is feeling like it's actually 11pm instead of 8. the margarita that i had earlier turned my body into mush almost immediately, so that isn't helping either. i've been wanting to write long long letters to people detailing everything that i'm feeling or ever felt about them, but i can't find any paper. bad excuse. i know. my parents are still here dragging me to tourist things that i'm sure i will go to with people, once i actually meet people, hoping that i do (meet people, that is, that aren't any of the following: weird, boring, lame, mean, too old, pretentious, anything else unpleasant). i have my ta orientation in a week which is relatively terrifying but also exciting. i feel anxious because i'm stuck between two places but when am i not? i keep getting that panicked feeling that i get when a plane takes off, but then a few minutes later i get calm like the kind of calm i get once we get to cruising altitude and i think, well ok, who cares, so what if i die anyway. it's kind of like that, the whole wave of calm, of complete uncaring. either it's false security or actual security, i can't be sure. everything is perfect here except one thing, but that thing belongs in one of those long letters i mentioned that i needed to write, that i probably never will. other than that, i'm unable to understand how i got so lucky, to have this new adult life where i have to pay my rent every month with the money i'm making and check my mailbox with a shiny little key. i still don't feel like an adult, i'm not sure i ever will. i feel like a little kid alone in her parents house about to go jump on the bed because i can and they probably won't ever find out. 

here comes the sun

i saw the sun set once then rise again from the airplane on friday. whoa. 

old-style plentiful

Rivers kind of poured over where

we had been sitting, and the breeze made as though

not to notice any unkindness, the light

too pretended nothing was wrong, or that

it was all going to be OK some day.

And yes, we were drunk on love.

That sure was some summer.

concentrate and ask again

You shouldn't look at me like that. Like one of those saints

on whom the birds once settled freely.

-

my two favorite lines right now. carl phillips really knows how to torture me with all this saint talk, all his talking-to-me talk...it's creepy. someone buy me a magic eight ball. please? it's probably the only form of advice i would actually trust right now. 

break my heart i'll drive to arizona

this is where you can stalk me, miss me, live vicariously through me, think about how much you hate me, and most importantly, read about my life trying to write poems in the desert for however long i can keep this up